Your man is coming home, still at the door, and you’re jumping at him, no kiss, but you’re screaming as drama queen, “Darling, what a bad day I had today, our children didn’t listen to me, my friend blamed me for nothing, and my tailor was not ready with my dress for gala tomorrow”. Do you know what is on the mind of your man when you welcome him after his stressful day at work? You think, “He’s my friend and I can tell him everything anytime”, but NOOOO! You’re wrong.
You bombarded him with all the negativity and drama instead of “Hello, darling”! He didn’t have time yet to recharge even a bit after the whole day working, while you “attacked him”. And now he’s getting all your frustration on his mind. He’s confused, he doesn’t know what to do, what you want from him.
So, applying his protection instinct, he starts giving you an advice on your issues. He is afraid that if he doesn’t help you right now, you’ll panic in a moment, as you cannot find a solution. And he truly wants to help you. The problem is that you don’t need his advice, right? You did solve the problems already, but did you tell him about that? Nope. So, how can he know that you don’t need his advice, just listening? That’s why clarity in the communication is of top priority!
So how do you need to talk to your partner to get better understanding and the right support?
The rules are:
Before you start a conversation with your man, tell him what you expect from him, what’s the purpose of your talk. Whether you want him only to listen and comfort you, give you a hug. Or maybe you expect his advice.
Be specific, concrete on your topic. Don’t be general. For example, if you want him to hug and kiss you more, don’t say “Darling, I need more affection from you”. Better say, “Darling, I need more hugs and kisses after you come home back from work. It would make me feel better”. Affection is an abstract and general word, which has many meanings and it’s difficult for a man to figure out what you really need from him.
If you want to gossip, don’t ever do that with your man. You have your girl friends for this purpose, with whom you can talk literally for hours about everything and nothing.
Let him talk. Don’t interrupt him, even when he pauses to take a breath or think. Men cannot talk during thinking, while we women talk pretty nonstop, during thinking and while giving conclusion. A man needs time to think and will open his mouth only when he has the result.
To remember: “Learn the communication skills with a man to avoid misunderstanding“